Last Sunday I listened to an interesting topic delivered by my favourite UK radio hosts on Adventist Radio. Centred around marriage and loneliness. A taboo subject that is being experienced by so many couples worldwide. The symptoms of this couple breaking syndrome can be translated into dating and loneliness. As the words spoke to me, I was reminded of my experience when dating. A real loneliness I was feeling even though I was at the first stages of getting to know the person.
What I imagine
In my head I envision dating highly enjoyable. A chance to really get to know someone. Have many ‘meet ups’ like what Real life ‘Hitch’ Match Maker Paul Brunson encourages. To encounter new experiences together. It could be in a casual setting e.g. taking a stroll in the park together, or visiting a cafe. Back and forth conversations about all aspects of life (generally and personally or imaginatively). I’ve seen it as an opportunity to reveal myself and build a connection that grows with the opposite sex. That will eventually lead to a long life desire to be in each others lives.
My dating and loneliness experience
Instead dating has left me unsure of where I stand with the person. It has tested my patience when response time takes more than 24 hours. This creates disengagement as the present moment is being ignored and you are finishing off sentences referring to yesterday’s events – Add a comment below if you agree! . Every time Sometimes you have to ask 3 questions just to receive one short answer back (Who deserves that especially all the time?!). Occasionally I’ve been second guessing if they really like me or not because the feeling or thought hasn’t been openly expressed by them yet.
This has lead me to feeling a dreaded loneliness. Not sure if I should message or ask them to call me because I might be bothering them. Deep down I’m wanting to pour my true self out but also remember the need to be careful in what I share. Ensuring I don’t overshare and scare them away too soon.
I’ve dated men older than me that had ongoing health concerns. And I have always been respectful and supportive of their needs.
I’ve dated men who are educated, secure in their chosen field and treated me with the upmost respect. Yet it was evident they didn’t see my value because they lacked a continued effort in just the little things. Although I really wanted to pursue something with them. And believe me, this was not out of desperation or eagerness. I liked them enough to give 100% of my time and effort, the same way I do at work. The only difference is work fulfils me differently, a relationship would elevate this.
Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all advancement, all success, all achievement in real life grows.
Ben Stein
Thoughts…
I wonder if I‘m actually good enough a lot of the time.
Coley Awakend
Am I just too good that men are too intimidated to commit? (Because they have sniffed out my high standards).
Why aren’t they asking me the type of questions that influences a stronger connection?
In the end to save my own mental health, I’ve had to deflect these thoughts out into the atmosphere and to God. Reassuring myself that its not me. It’s them. At the end of the day I only have control of myself. If your energy isn’t being reciprocated then its not your burden to store.
Dating and loneliness – Temptations
Sometimes it has crossed my mind to join paid forms of connection. With the hope of creating some sort of ongoing connection with a man. There are sites like ‘speak to lonely men’. This is an easy way out I told myself. Not only do these platforms make women more vulnerable. It can be a temporary distraction but can lead to permanent destruction (Emotionally, mentally or physically). I’ve also had a split second thought of changing my physical image completely so I can attract a man sooner but would this be for the better? Immediately God reminds me of the plan he has for me. Without a doubt I’d be corrupting it if I chose to take actions into my own hands.
Ways to keep the dating spark hot and alive!
The following applies to a real potential partner:
- Schedule phone calls regularly
- Plan ‘meet ups’ frequently
- Share any sentimental days and share an open invite
- Stay persistent with your own goals
- Continue praying for God’s guidance if unsure
The only way a relationship will last is if you see it as a place you go to give and not a place that you go to take.
Tony Robbins
To conclude, dating is an experience that thrives off consistency, vulnerability and an enthusiasm to continue understanding the person. Like marriage, you have to start by creating an oath for yourself. Openly demonstrate all the values, beliefs, and desires you hold highly in a relationship and eventually you will experience them back. In the end the feeling of dating and loneliness will dissipate and be more like a journey to your final destination.
If you find this is getting you down, invest in self care in the meantime. Click on this.
